Once again I reach the time of the month when it is confirmed that I am still not pregnant.
Why is it that some teenagers can practically get pregnant by standing next to a boy and some women get pregnant the first month their off birth control and some women seem to pop out baby after baby year after year with seemingly no effort...and then some, like me, find that even with the most perfect timing and testing, nothing happens.
It's been a year and a half now. I think that's enough past "normal" to be termed an infertility issue. I feel so slighted. I want a BIG family but I can't even manage to take our family of two to three! I don't feel desperate enough to go try any medical procedures or anything like that yet...talk about taking the romance out of making a baby...but I'm wondering how long it will take before I AM desperate enough.
I work with children every day. I love seeing their faces, seeing how they look like their parents and siblings and cousins. I love their names, the things they say, how energetic they are and how desperate they are for love and attention. I want to see what my babies will look like. What features they will take from me...from Curtis...I want to pick out names, to decorate a nursery, to see my body change.
I turn 30 this year...if I'd known it would have been this difficult, I would have started trying years ago. I imagine it will only get more difficult, the older I get. I try to pray the right way and trust that God has a plan for my life...but does he really want me to be childless? I never in a million years imagined my life that way.
To all of my blog followers, please do not comment on this posting. I needed to put my thoughts out in writing, but I don't need sympathetic responses. And to all my friends who are mothers or soon to be, I love you and I'm happy for you. Thank GOD that he has blessed you with a gift that only He can give.
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